Funny Roast to Say to a Guy

Dads are good at so many things, from teaching you how to ride a bike to showing you how to change a tire, and everything in between. They provide a reassuring hand to hold and a strong shoulder to cry on...all with that special sense of humor known as dad jokes. What's a dad joke, you ask? It's that groan-worthy, pun-laden, can't-help-but-laugh type of humor that dads are best at delivering. Sure, there are mom jokes and jokes for kids, but we just can't help but laugh at the one-liners from dear old dad.

Put these so-bad-they're-good best dad jokes of all time to use as Father's Day captions and put a smile on your old man's face this year. Of course, if you'd like to take a more sentimental route, we have plenty of meaningful dad quotes to choose from too.

Best Corny Dad Jokes

• "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
• "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
• "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
• "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
• "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
• "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
• "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
• "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
• "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

• "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
• "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
• "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
• "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
• "What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
• "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
• "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
• "How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
• "What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
• "What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
• "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
• "Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
• "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
  
• "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
• "What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
• "What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
• "Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
• "What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
• "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
• "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
• "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
• "Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
• "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
• "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
• "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
• "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
• "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
• "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
• "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
• "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
• "What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
• "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."

• "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
• "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
• "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
• "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
• "What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
• "Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
• "How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
• "How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
• "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
• "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
• "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
• "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
• "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
• "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
• "What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
• "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
• "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
• "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
• "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
• "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
• "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
• "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."

Best One-Liner Dad Jokes

• "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
• "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
• "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
• "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
• "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
• "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
• "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
• "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
  

• "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
• "What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
• "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
• "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
• "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
• "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
• "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
• "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
• "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
• "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
• "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
• "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
• "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
• "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
• "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."

• "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
• "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
• "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
• "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
• "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
• "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
• "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
• "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
• "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
• "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
• "What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
• "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
• "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
• "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
• "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."
• "It takes guts to be an organ donor."
• "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
• "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
• "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."

Best Dad Joke Puns

• "What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
  
• "What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
• "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
• "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
• "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
• "Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
• "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
• "What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
• "What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
• "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
• "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."

• "What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
• "Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
• "Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
• "How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
• "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
• "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
• "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
• "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
• "Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
• "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
• "Can February March? No, but April May!"
• "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
• "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
• "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
• "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
• "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."

• "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
• "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
• "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
• "What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
• "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
• "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
• "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
• "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."
• "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
• "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
• "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
• "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
• "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."

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Source: https://www.countryliving.com/life/a27452412/best-dad-jokes/

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